Bret Bielema Ranked As The 27th Best College Football Coach Is A Joke


Bret Bielema (Credit: Getty Images/Wesley Hitt)

College football is still a couple of months away, but we have our first ridiculous story of the 2017 season.

Arkansas Razorbacks coach Bret Bielema was recently ranked as the 27th best coach in college football, and honestly, that ranking is one of the craziest things I’ve ever seen.

My plans for the summer were pretty simple. Relax a little bit, have some fun, convince some women with loose morals to hit up some parties and drink a few ice cold Miller Lites. Instead of doing any of those fun, and likely regrettable actions, here I am once again having to destroy Bielema. It’s the not the war I ever asked for, but we don’t get to choose all of our circumstances in life.

Bielema is one of the worst coaches in the Power Five conferences. His clock management and ability to control the speed and tempo of the game are closer to a teenager on prom night with his date than the likes of elite coaches. Remember when he had the best quarterback in the country in Russell Wilson, and somehow managed to piss away three games due to horrible clock management? The world does not forget.

Bielema was handed the keys to the kingdom at Wisconsin. He had NFL players at pretty much every position, and still couldn’t win the big games when they mattered. Yet, he was hailed as a great coach. The facade fell apart when he took the chance to cut and run for a big pay day at Arkansas.

His record in four seasons at Arkansas is a dismal 10-22 in conference play. How the hell do you rank a guy as the 27th best coach in America when he would need to win 12 consecutive conference games just to get to a .500 winning percentage?

Furthermore, it’s proof he wasn’t the reason for Wisconsin’s success because the program hasn’t dropped off a bit since his departure.

Now, I know what you’re all thinking. People will say I’m just writing this column because Bielema and his hot wife Jen and I have had bad blood ever since I simply questioned some things about their relationship. I faced a flurry of accusations from Arkansas fans. It was a dark time, but I persisted. It’s still safe to say I won the war between myself and the entire state of Arkansas.

How big of a distraction was I in Bret’s head? We’ll never know, but he didn’t do a whole lot of winning after his wife decided to chirp me. I’m not saying their awful record is due to our feud, but I’m also not denying they’re connected. The world is a weird place.

The reality of the situation is I knew that the Bielemas and myself would be engaged in epic battle once again during the upcoming season because I’m the only one in the media who apparently holds him accountable. Props to me for being man enough to recognize this.

P.S.: Jen Bielema might be one of the hottest wives in all of college football. That’s how you know I’m always giving it to you straight. I recognize the positive qualities in people.